Totally and utterly baffled.

Apocolypse Now.

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on August 30, 08

Something I recieved from U after a 3 hour, 8 minute conversation on Skype last night:

So today is officially my first day at the University of Hartford. I have really been in quite the whirlwind today. At first I was very nervous about the whole thing. Then, on the camping trip, everything evened out for the most part. I spent a lot of time with L____and T______. Maybe too much time. I am starting to get the feeling that the initial “thrill” of that joker, U W, is starting to slowly and painfully rub off. Now I think that they are beginning to see my anti-social habits and are seeing that I don’t really open up to many people at all.
Conversely, I opened up like hell to Lois. After about two hours of chatting and agreeing that we share the same feelings, both emotional and physical, about so many things, I came to the conclusion that I love her. I guess that that’s the way that love works out sometimes. You can really love someone without knowing it until you take a step back, look at the big picture and see how much they have benefited your life and experiences and the potential they have to do so time and again. Love isn’t always that “butterflies-in-the-stomach” type feeling which Hallmark and American Greetings has beaten into us repeatedly throughout our lives through social conditioning and mass marketing. Love can be a whole new dimension which grows from a friendship, and in this case, one of the deepest of friendships that very few are blessed or privileged enough to have. It seems that at one point my best friend was my stumbling block, my inhibitions my greatest enemy, and distance the ultimate impediment. I know for a fact that God loves us all. But at the same time I feel as though he’s drowned us in life’s shit.
Sometimes, wondering about what could have been and the potential of what could still be can be the life preserver that God decides to throw to us.

It scares me how much we miss things just because. Why does G-d let us just go over these moments without a thought? One day, somewhere, there might just be something between 2 people and it will just be blown over.  I told you last night changed my life, I just wasn’t alone. U and I are way too similar.



Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on August 30, 08

(listening to: the nile song – pink floyd)

I got talking to a friend. He’s just as scared as I am. We realised we’re the same person.

Tonight changed my life.


Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on August 25, 08

We just crossed paths again.

pluss, there is still that other person constantly in the back of my mind.
So go for the one whose always in the back of your mind, unless that person lives accross a giant ocean. Then its just unhealthy to think about.
oh wow, look at you, guessing correctly. its not unhealthy. how is it unhealthy? thats like saying its unhealthy to be in love.
Because you got over it, you woudlnt even be thinking about me if we didnt talk.
If you truely loved me you woudlve been thikning of me the whole time.
Like its chill we can be best friends.
i thought i was over it. i wasnt.
of course we can be best friends. i just will always want more.
I dont like to hear this
Like i love to hear it but I know its not good for you.
Because you gotta be with other people, you gotta be movin on- for now at least.

Let the next 3 years fly by.

You’re My Stormy Blues

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on August 23, 08

I’m going to get my haircut this afternoon. I’m getting a big sweeping side fringe and I’m dying it back to brown. I can’t wait.

Tonight is LC’s birthday so I’m going to forget everything and rave like a lunatic. 

I spoke to B (who now wants to be called Zuma – he made it up, don’t ask) on the phone last night. I really hate that he’s so far away and I have to wait for the next 3 years to be over before I actually can spend some time with him properly. He told me that people had been sending him abuse for being horrible to me (which he hasnt been) after reading on my blog. Firstly, people actually read this thing? I know A.S does because he told me, but who else? MAKE YOURSELVES KNOWN.

Short one today, not alot to comment on. Laters.

High Society.

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on August 23, 08

A recent message to B:

I’ve learnt that sometimes things don’t run as smoothly as you want them too, and that’s what happened with us. The rocky road will mean something someday. We’re 2 (quite) fucked up people so it wasnt gonna go right straight away. We’ve got the world at our fingertips, our friendship has only just started. I love knowing, now, that you’re sticking around. I can’t wait to see you again, whenever that’ll be. Until then, i’m here and yr there but we can be around for each other. I’ve never liked someone as much as I liked you and I think it scared us both.. Please dont feel bad about not discussing me and you when i was around, you’d be thrown around the world and had just got back. Still, I had so much fun with you and yr friends.
“yo nutmeg”

The other day as I was leaving my house, a man was wandering around aimlessly in front of my drive. He came over to the car and asked me if I knew where something was. Shocked and slightly scared (!), I mumbled something quickly before he went on his way. After sorting myself out and heading off, I drove past him. I wonder if that man ever ended up where he was meant to be? For the rest of my journey, I found myself becoming agitated worrying about this person’s whereabouts. I really hope I end up where I want to be. I don’t want to “make do”, I want to be the best I can be. Talking to B made me want to move away but I’m so excited for next year. I hope I don’t resort to leaving. I fear not being able to cope with it all and giving up. I’m strong again and I’m happy.

My cousin came home from Camp America. She’s convinced me to go next summer, I’m just scared about the way I feel when I see you again.

Midnight’s Children

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on August 22, 08

Afternoon trips to the library are always fun. I wrote up my first basic ideas for a film and am now researching. A.S. told me about a book which I found straight away and cannot wait to read. Midnight’s Children is a 1981 novel by Salman Rushdie. The protagonist and narrator of the story is Saleem Sinai, a telepath with a nasal defect. During his childhood, Saleem discovers that he, as well as all children born between 12 AM and 1 AM on August 15, 1947, have special powers. He convenes the MCC, a conference of all Midnight’s Children to discuss these powers and what the purpose of their powers might be. It’s loosely based around my film but goes alot deeper than my basic concept.

I’m getting more and more excited everyday for next year. I can’t wait to move into my new flat and meet new people. I’m excited for that moment where my perfect blue biro touches my brand new clean white pad. The first scene from the first film. The first letter I type. University is going to be different.

I keep seeing people make new discoveries. How your wingspan is the same as your height and you can measure it on railings, it won’t work. A little girl sticking her head out of a car window watching the world go by (this is so cliche it makes me sick). That part you missed. The freckle behind his ear.

I just got angry for no reason.

Golden the Pony Boy

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on August 20, 08

An eventful day of C, Jeremy Kyle/Trisha, Tyler Durden, Krispy Kremes and cuddles on the couch. A lovely Tuesday. I even enjoyed a ridiculously long drive home but Lil’ Wayne accompanied my every mile. Perfect for those quiet country lanes. Pfft.

S popped in last night for tea (and lots of chocolate rice crispy cake things, on my account.. eesh) and a chat. It was really nice to see her before Reading. She lent me Science of Sleep which I watched after she left. I loved the concept of reality and dreams intertwined. Gondry is an absolute genius and I cant wait to see Master of Space and Time.

Tomorrow, I’m going to find a job if it kills me. Eesh.

Goodnight poppets.

I should really called A.S. ❤


Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on August 18, 08

Sporting a gorgeous look of cling film wrapped around my head. I’m deep conditioning and for some reason it’s making my eyes water. Oh well, say hello to glossy, soft hair! 🙂

The day has finally arrived when “le plaisir coupable”  and i rekindle. I’m not entirely sure what we are rekindling but we’ll see. Unfortunately, August 18th (today) was rescheduled for August 19th, which happens to be tomorrow, excited! I’m looking forward to Fight Club, toasted cheese sandwiches and calling him squidgy.

I’m running errands today. I need a “nice” passport photo (can you even develop nice passport photos? I always thought those machines were programmed to make you look like a ghost/drug addict/criminal) for my university ID. I’ll go to the bank for Ro (who is currently in NY, I’m so jealous and would do anything for an afternoon in Manolo Blahnik in the city), empty all the bags I’ve used since America (which is like, 10, lots of work + lost lighters!), and tidy my room, just like every other day.

Tonight, S and I are going to have a movie marathon (See, I’m practising for my degree) and a gossip. I haven’t seen her since before camp and am very excited!

I bought new shoes (£10 in H&M!) but don’t have a camera to show you, as soon as I do, they’re on here!


You are my Kesher..

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on August 16, 08

160 kids. 27 leaders. No voice. Lack of sleep. Lots of tomato based food. A lifetime’s supply of art products. 99 billion packets of Starburst. 2 weeks. In Dorset. KESHER ’08. The most ridiculous 2 weeks of my life. I haven’t sat down for more than 15 minutes. But, I’m home. I miss it. I had an incredible time and met people who have made me question my future.

Whilst being away, U posted lots of stuff on my FB for my degree next year. This was one of my favourites. As a HUGE Apocolypse Now fan (and watching it with U in Israel), he thought I might like this. Submitted by Scorsese to NYU film school in 1967. This is called The Big Shave but alternately named Viet 67. It’s politically based on Vietnam.