Totally and utterly baffled.

5. no reply

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on June 20, 08

I hadn’t cried yet.
I said goodbye, I watched D say goodbye to M and I didn’t cry.
I said goodbye to H and couldn’t let him go and I still didn’t cry.
I didn’t cry when I had depression. I didn’t cry when they thought he had cancer. I didn’t cry, I just lost 10 pounds. 10 nights of sleep.
I didn’t cry when I wrote your letter. When I told you I loved you more than anyone. I wanted to run into your arms and kiss you silly and for it all to end and the world to all click back into place again. I wanted to be the only person on that stage but I wanted you to hold my hand and play guitar. I wanted you to write back. I wanted to see the back of you so fast. I didn’t even fucking shed a tear when you left. It’s ok, I’m seeing you in a month. Sleeping in your bed. Eating your food. Wearing your clothes.

But tonight, B. Tonight, listening to Sigur Ros in bed, it all fitted. I love you. I miss you. I want happy endings and crying and arguments and make up sex and dancing and laying in the road (I know about you and her, I hate you both). B, I hate you so much, my best friend. I hate you. I hate you so much that I adore you. You make me happy, you make me sad, you take up all my time. You’re my best friend and I’ve never loved anyone as much. No-one else has ever made me wanna rip out all my hair, or run over in the middle of the night and SCREAM “I love you” so loudly. Only to be retaliated with “What?” and some cliched line. I don’t care.

I want the world to know.
Love me back?


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