Totally and utterly baffled.

8. for those who wake with a blind headache

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on June 30, 08

i spend a billion nights doing this. i cant cry, all i can do is feel. after watching love stories and richard ashcroft belt out bittersweet symphony i can only feel. i love you and i hate you and im blinded by emotion and ill fall down on my bedroom floor but i can only feel.

this is all for you, sugar.
you have NO idea how this feels and it needs to be over.
next week in new york, next week..


7. The Dream Sound

Posted in different by loisemma on June 29, 08

i started reading perfect words. placed perfectly on typed up pages. i started letters that remained unfinished and spent time on special ones before placing them in clean white envelopes which i would soon scrawl addresses and doodles over. i bit my nails down when i drove. the red nail polish from 3 days ago was chipping so i gnaw away leaving little marks of 262, like drops of blood. i wish i’d photocopied what i wrote to b. something to read on lonely afternoons in my empty bed. in just one week, i’ll be sharing again, being teased, being taught, being taunted. then i’ll return home to an empty one again. it always feels so cold, the covers are my only vice.

this afternoon i’ll watch movies with beautiful boys and dream of next weekend. bright lights, loud voices and a face that’ll remain in my brain FOREVER.

6. steel-toe caps

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on June 25, 08

Last night I went to see Mamma Mia, it was enjoyable! I danced my way back through the train station on the way home. My voice has pretty much gone due to too much singing and roll-ups. Classssyyyy!

Today, I’m going to see my friend R, whose house I am staying at. Very excited. It has been a while since I saw him. Tomorrow, I have to be up early to arrange programming for summer camp and then tomorrow, sister D is celebrating her birthday, so I will bop along to London for a boogie in the eve. Lovely lovely.

B got in touch. I’m staying with him in New York next week. I leave on Wednesday, I cannot wait. He “wants to see me” and “wants to spend time with me”. He’s been leaving lengthy messages on my facebook too.. Lets see what happens. I’m not as scared as I was. He has taught me too much to act weak.

Today, I’m in a skinny jeans + Doc Martins mood.
I ❤ my DM’s:

The only item thats really calling my name today is a colourful knot bag from DSM by Comme De Garcons!

Ok, my hair NEEDS a wash, so I’m off!
L, xx

6. Zanex.

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on June 23, 08

Firstly, I must apologise for the last entry. I was sad, hysterical and angry. Things are better.

I’ve just coated my fingernails in 262 by Barry M (blood red) and am now typing away with lacquered tips!

I’m completely and utterly bored of my wardrobe and currently spying guilty pleasures on net-a-porter. So many collections for Spring ’09 are amazing!

Alexander McQueen’s Chiffon strapless beauty. He has some incredible stand-out pieces using gorgeous paradise feather print creations and creates “pure Isabella territory”

Marc By Marc Jacobs Kitty dress is DIVINE. This collection sees a real nautical theme, very in this season! Kooky as well as cool.

This is the most beautiful skirt I have seen ALL year. Moschino Cheap & Chic have created this INCREDIBLE salmon sequin skater skirt (that’s a mouthful!) A fun cut in a vivid shade for spring. I want to team this with a slogan tee and cute pumps and hit London for a day out.

Right, this afternoon, I’m going to listen to iTunes on shuffle, collect new music and write pretty letters to my Canadian pal, B.

Keep it cheerful!
L, ❤

5. no reply

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on June 20, 08

I hadn’t cried yet.
I said goodbye, I watched D say goodbye to M and I didn’t cry.
I said goodbye to H and couldn’t let him go and I still didn’t cry.
I didn’t cry when I had depression. I didn’t cry when they thought he had cancer. I didn’t cry, I just lost 10 pounds. 10 nights of sleep.
I didn’t cry when I wrote your letter. When I told you I loved you more than anyone. I wanted to run into your arms and kiss you silly and for it all to end and the world to all click back into place again. I wanted to be the only person on that stage but I wanted you to hold my hand and play guitar. I wanted you to write back. I wanted to see the back of you so fast. I didn’t even fucking shed a tear when you left. It’s ok, I’m seeing you in a month. Sleeping in your bed. Eating your food. Wearing your clothes.

But tonight, B. Tonight, listening to Sigur Ros in bed, it all fitted. I love you. I miss you. I want happy endings and crying and arguments and make up sex and dancing and laying in the road (I know about you and her, I hate you both). B, I hate you so much, my best friend. I hate you. I hate you so much that I adore you. You make me happy, you make me sad, you take up all my time. You’re my best friend and I’ve never loved anyone as much. No-one else has ever made me wanna rip out all my hair, or run over in the middle of the night and SCREAM “I love you” so loudly. Only to be retaliated with “What?” and some cliched line. I don’t care.

I want the world to know.
Love me back?

4. Achey heads and achey hearts

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on June 15, 08

I’m sick.
Sick, sick, sick.
On Friday, I woke up with a sore throat and a splitting headache, went to hospital and had a blood test. They weren’t related in anyway, but I’m pretty sure the blood test didn’t help.
Since I drove home from the hospital, I have been hiding in my big yellow duvet downing countless doses of soluble Panadol, which probably is the most vile tasting thing in the world. You’d think they’d make it taste better, but no. I can’t swallow as it is and it tastes disgusting. Thank you, GlaxoSmithKline. Maybe if Panadol taste like Ribena, I wouldn’t procrastinate drinking it at 3.39am.

Last night was G’s birthday BBQ. Obviously, I couldn’t make it and spent the evening watching Big Brother and eating party pizza with cut-up mushroom on it extremely slowly. R is leaving for America on Monday, meaning I now can’t see him and he’s gone for 3 months. Rubbish. Ga also returned from university and I didn’t get the chance to see her either. Extra rubbish.

Although, I got countless text messages (some even in Hebrew, which I have missed dearly) and lovely phonecalls. I guess being ill can suck, but can also make you feel so loved. All I need is grapes.

Panadol time.
Over and out.

3. Lets get paralysed down both sides…

Posted in Uncategorized by loisemma on June 13, 08

I love it when you listen to a song and it fits your mood perfectly. After reading Rosie’s new blog (Old, Old Fashioned), I was told to check out “Frightened Rabbit”, a Scottish band. So, I just logged onto their myspace and am listening to “Fast Blood” which is just perfect for the way I’m feeling right now.

Today, I had lunch with 3 close friends. D, my bestest friend, I’ve known her since I was born and our families go back years. She’s my soulmate and my sister. S and A joined us, 2 other really close pals I’ve known for years. We went for lunch, where I had a delicious jacket potato with melted cheese, perfect!

Tonight, I’m meeting with my best guy friend, R, for a drink in the local. I can’t wait. I haven’t seen him since I got back from Israel. He’s probably the only person who totally understands me and I cannot wait to talk to him.

Yesterday with M was really fun. I bought a crayfish, mango (although I ate this without the greens!) and leafy salad from M&S, which I enjoyed with Salt and Vinegar SnackaJacks popcorn and polished off with a peanut and caramel chocolate bar. Scrummy. The last time I went to Hyde Park with M, we were a couple, so it was a bit weird. We relieved 2 years ago for a while, before realising it wasn’t a good idea and laid in the sun, listening to TANAOU and remembered the past. My ankle felt lots better too.

Last night I was woken up at 3am by 2 of my drunken friends on the way home from a club. It was so odd because I thought I was still in Israel but soon realised I wasn’t, which made me upset. I really miss all my american friends and Israel. No matter how much I love London, Israel will always mean SO much to me because of this year.

Still no response from Ben. I’m worried…

Anyway, I’ll write tomorrow. This blog is something to occupy me when I’m bored.

Good evening.


Posted in General by loisemma on June 11, 08

After a wonderful day around London yesterday (with delights such a Brick Lane, cream cheese bagels, birthday presents, a new look Oxford St Topshop, Ribena and Hyde Park), I have decided to take another trip into the park today! Although, I hobbled around for most of the day yesterday, due to a sore ankle! I am really unsure of what occured there, but it still hurts! Hopefully, today’s pleasures will help to take my mind off the nasty thing!

I’m also hoping the rain stays off today, I don’t fancy a soggy lunch with an old friend. M is wonderful, and I haven’t seen him in just under 2 years. Judging from photos, he hasn’t changed at all, apart from a couple of piercings, but I can’t wait to give him a big hug again!

Yesterday, I managed to buy myself a lovely pair of blue button earrings in The Laden Showroom. Here I am sporting them, looking all British in red, white and blue! :

The Laden Showroom in Brick Lane is a wonderful shop which sells pieces by over 15 designers, who each have a little booth each. Everytime I go in, there is always something different to choose from. It’s relatively pricey but it has lots of nice ideas on making your own stuff too!

Still not warm enough to wear my playsuit 😦

My sister was kind enough to give me her old Ipod yesterday, which I was increasingly happy about. Even though the screen is a bit muddled and coloured, I now have a place to store all my music so I can listen to GOOD STUFF on the train! I’m so happy. Luckily, my friend J was lovely enough to load ITunes on my computer for me at the beginning of my year off, so everything transferred over very nicely equalling a super smiley Lois!

Life seems to be looking up. Over the year off, I fell for one of my best friends, B. He’s a guitarist from New Jersey with hardcore social ADD and floppy blonde locks. As time went by, I got deeper and deeper and in the end found myself in love with him. Before we left, I wrote him an intense letter, explaining everything, how much I liked him, how he made me feel, etc. I handed it to him on the second to last day and told him to read it whenever he wanted. I’m still waiting eagerly for a response. I’m so scared. At night it gets worse, when I’m alone and have time to think. This boy has really got to me. I will be seeing him really soon and I really hope everything sorts itself out. The worst thing is, I can no longer listen to Explosions in the Sky without thinking of him! Rawr. Men.

Anyway, I need to be off, dressing to do and hair to straighten.
Goodbye, kids.


Posted in General by loisemma on June 10, 08

After being inspired by my pal Rosie, I have decided to make myself a wordpress. I used to have a blog on Diaryland, but I started that in 2001, and 7 years later think I may just be growing out of it!

I suppose I should start with a small profile. I’ll try to keep it brief in fear of boring you!
I’m Lois. Lois Emma. Emma being my middle name. I never used to like it much, but have adopted it for “pen name” purposes. My surname is Shafier. My ancestors were Danish and that’s all I know really. I believe very much in looking forward rather than back although often find myself reading old love letters or wall posts from the past just to reminisce and smile. Even I’m a stronger believer in the future, I am mortified of growing up. I have no clue about mortgages or taxes or any of those things!
I’m 19 years old and currently on my gap year. A week ago, I returned from a 9 month organised trip to Israel, where I studied, “experienced” and volunteered. Whilst being there, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and although I’m doing fine now, I often find myself falling back into that “dreaded hole” on bad days. Being away from home for such a long period time made me realise so many things about myself. I have grown up in so many ways and have already started to use my found realisations in my home life.
This summer is full of fun. In just 3 weeks, I will be travelling to New York to visit my lovely American pals before heading onto New Jersey to see some more! I will only be on the East Coast for 10 days before returning home to England. A mere 11 days later, I shall be leading a Jewish summer camp for 15 year olds in Dorset which I am very much looking forward to! This tiring 3 weeks finishes mid-August when I shall be getting a job (eek!) before going to uni late-September.
Next year, I shall be studying at Manchester Metropolitan. The course I have chosen is Film and Television with Cultural Studies. My huge interest in Media and love for Culture make this the perfect course for me, and I’m extremely excited to start!

So yes, that’s me.

Today, I am meeting a friend around lunchtime for fun in Brick Lane, one of my favourite places in London. It is the first time I’m getting into town upon my return and cannot wait! It all seems very weird not feeling part of a place you’ve belonged to your entire life after being away for a year, but after a couple of hours, the pieces start to fit together again and a love lost comes flooding back.
I wish it was warmer today. I bought the cutest little playsuit over the weekend that is sitting in my wardrobe DYING to be worn!
I probably should have a shower, the pyjamas I took to Israel have all caught a rotten stench that will not go away, even after 2-3 washes! I should probably chuck them out..
I often find myself procastinating most early morning. Today, I am writing a letter to my penpal, savouring a crumpet and gulping down a cold cup of apple juice whilst facebook chatting with friends.

I’m off, enjoy your day, lovers.